4.4

So I've lost 4.4 kilos in 4 weeks - not bad at all. I am happy with this - but I also know that I could have exercised more & I did have a few meals not supplied from the diet food company. So my goal this week & going forward is to try & get a bit more activity into my life.

On Friday I finally had a phone interview with DOCS - but it took me ringing them to see what was going on, for this to happen. I answered all the questions & spoke about if we would take siblings or if we would be okay taking a baby that was born addicted.

When I got home I started to tell Darren about the interview & when I mentioned about taking siblings he kind of pulled this face & then said he only wanted to take one child & that he only ever wanted one. I was stunned, we had discussed this previously & he agreed with me that we would take siblings if they were offered. (Darren has a history of agreeing to something & then when it comes time for that thing to happen he'll say "oh I never wanted to do this" - this pisses me off.)

He started listing his reasons - first was the fact that we only have the one spare room & that it isn't huge. This isn't a problem for DOCS & they are OK for siblings to share. And it's OK with me - yes it will be tight - but with some good organisation it would be fine. Besides it's not like they'll be in the bedroom all day every day.

Then he started saying it would be harder financially - I stated that we would get extra money for the extra child, & that this in fact would help us, because regardless of one child or two I intended to stay home for at least 6 months.

Then he starts to lecture me about how much my life will change! Like I'm a total idiot, as if I expect everything to stay the same & we'll just have this extra person at the dinner table. For God's Sake! I was a nanny for 7 years & I lived in aswell. The man is delusional if he thinks that I think things won't change for me. I'm quite aware that I won't be able to sit on my lazy bum & watch TV, I'm quite aware that I'll be doing more housework and I'm quite aware that my life will never be the same again.

I got so angry & frustrated (and I think PMS has a part in this) that I totally lost it. Usually in arguments I cry, I try not to but I do. This time I was beyond crying, I was so mad! I threw a bag of stuff that I was taking to Mum's (because you know all this was happening as we are supposed to be going out for dinner) and I roared! Just this massive guttural wall of sound came from so deep within me, that even I was surprised. I then stormed into our room - grabbed the door with both hands & slammed it as hard as I could & then threw myself on the bed.

It took 3 seconds for him to follow me.

We then talked a little more & a little more calmly - I can understand how Darren may think that I am not prepared for the extra work, after all I am very lazy at home & he does do 99% of our housework - BUT - it's not like I can't do it, and it's not like I won't do it. It's just that right now I don't have to do it.

I also tried to get him to understand that this is very hard for me. I'm still struggling with the fact that I feel like deciding to foster means that I've officially given up my chance to have my own baby. He will never understand how I feel about giving up being pregnant, breastfeeding, and everything else that comes with that. Everything that should have been a natural beautiful process is not going to happen for me. And that is hard.

We left for Mum's on better terms, & he did apologies for not being clearer in his expections of what we were stepping into. By the end of the weekend he had also talked to a couple of other people, and seems to be OK with whatever happens now - but we still need to talk more. I need to know that if we get two kids - that on a bad day, that he will never, ever say "I told you so" - because then, then I'd have to kill him.